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Funny Quotes By Celebrities


The thing that’s wrong with the French is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneur.

– George W. Bush


Remember kids, do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

– Barney The Dinosaur


Never, ever! take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

– Britney Spears


Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think in a deeper voice.

– Bill Cosby


Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

– Tom Hanks


I’m never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.

– Christopher Walken


Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

– Neil Armstrong


Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.

– Billy Ray Cyrus


Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

– Yoda


I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

– Meat Loaf


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

– Julia Roberts


I’m kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

– Bill Gates


Why don’t poor people just buy more money?

– Mitt Romney


If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.

– Hilary Clinton


If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

– Renee Zellweger


There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

– Tom Cruise


You’re only as good as your last haircut.

– Shirley MacLaine


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO”

– Clint Eastwood


If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

– Mr. Rogers


A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.

– Sean Connery


We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

– Michael Jordan


My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch. 

– Vladimir Putin


I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

– Jean-Claude Van Damme


When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

– Bill Clinton


Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

– James Earl Jones


Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.

– Matthew Broderick


If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

Dr. Seuss


I’m tired of being a nice guy, I’ve been poor all my life, but don’t know quite why, so they label me a lunatic, could care less, death or success, is what I quest cause I’m fearless.

– Al Pacino


I am society’s child, this is how they made me, and now I’m sayin’ what’s on my mind and they don’t want that. This is what you made me, America.

– Justin Bieber


Get a tattoo. Don’t worry about regret.

– Scott Baio


Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

– Wayne Newton


The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

– Jet Li


Screw me if I’m wrong, but have we met before?

– Carly Rae Jepsen


I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

– Gary Busey


I think it is my ability to stay focused that accounts for my legendary record of accomplishments.

– Ashley Simpson


Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

– Kim Kardashian


A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.

– Justin Timberlake


Pee when you have the chance.

– Danica Patrick


If I should wake before I die, I’ll have another slice of life’s shit pie.

– LL Cool J


Do not try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

– Celine Dion


Remember that half the people you know are below average.

– Donald Trump


When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

– Billy Bob Thronton


Do you still throw spears at each other..?

– Mitt Romney at a town hall meeting in rural Michigan


If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and “righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

– Dr. Phil


A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

– Sylvester Stallone


Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

– Stephen Baldwin


If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.

– Tiger Woods


If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

– Susan Boyle


Trying to sneak a fart past Sammy Hagar is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.

– Van Halen


Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.

– Tom Cruise


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

– Lebron James – advice about love


Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

– Taylor Swift


Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

– William Shakespeare

 Funny Quotes